I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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