he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
