Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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