is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
