They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
