My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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