she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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