Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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