the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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