My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
