I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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