dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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