I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
