She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
