You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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