so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize