I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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