i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
