i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
