just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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