so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
