i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
