im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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