i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
