Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
