I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
