Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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