end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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