I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
