Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
And the cops told us we were all naked.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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