I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
