the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
that is very illegal...i love you.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
