My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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