There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
