yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
That accounts for only three of the penises
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
