If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
