the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
