This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize