Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
