My cat gives me a boner
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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