i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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