Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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