people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize