life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
