I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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