i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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