My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
