my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
