You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
