so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
