Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
