We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
