there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
