If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
from now on my penis is your penis
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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