Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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