That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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