i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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