So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
