no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
