i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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