Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
