Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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