so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
