I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I want to be your penis for a week.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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