my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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