The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
