My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
