My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
