we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
