Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Mom said you looked used
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
