I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
