Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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