I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize