Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
